Do you test your partner to see how much s/he loves you? Or to see how he’ll respond in a particular emotional circumstance? If so, are you aware that you’re playing dangerous games?
Playing games in a relationship doesn’t work. Games create competition, and a winner and loser. Playing games is manipulative and a way to avoid intimacy. Some people think game playing does make things more interesting. It’s considered cool if you have “game”. But interesting doesn’t mean healthy. Game playing is usually a symptom of insecurity, fear, and immaturity. Empowered adults don’t sabotage their relationships by playing games.
True love cannot exist without emotional intimacy. Respect and trust are two essential ingredients that allow vulnerability to develop. Without vulnerability, you cannot achieve emotional intimacy—true love. Playing the testing game sabotages your chance at true love.
You teach people how to treat you. When you test them, you teach them they can’t trust you—that you’re not genuine. Most tests involve creating a false situation to see how your lover will react or respond. The object is to test their character and observe how they truly handle themselves as opposed to how they might say they would. It sounds good in theory, but in reality, it’s manipulation.
The test situation usually appears as drama from out of the blue to the receiver. It may make you appear overly or inappropriately emotional. It’s confusing, and it suddenly depicts you in a different light—all junk-food flags to a healthy person. Trust me; even if you get the desired response, you have changed your mate’s perception of you—usually in a negative way, and sometimes irreparably.
It may make you feel closer to your man or woman, but it will do the opposite for him or her. It doesn’t matter if your partner passes if the test causes him or her to leave you. If your mate doesn’t pass, that doesn’t mean he or she wouldn’t pass if the situation were real instead of contrived. A bad reaction is most likely caused by the test itself—and to you creating unnecessary drama.
The problem for some is that they don’t consciously test their partners. They instinctually do it out of insecurity. This is particularly true of people who have abandonment issues. The fear of their partner leaving them motivates them to act out and behave badly to test if their lover will stay or go. But what this behavior usually accomplishes is pushing their love away, as their he or she becomes frustrated at all the dysfunction.
You have to create a habit of checking in with yourself when you feel insecure. The first question you should ask yourself is “Am I deciding for him how he feels?” When you think “He’s tired of me” or “She’s going to leave me” or “He doesn’t really love me,” you are deciding how your partner feels. Then you create a test to confirm your theory. However, you created the whole thing in your head.
You don’t know how he or she feels. If you feel insecure or fear abandonment, your perception is tainted. You need to keep your thoughts on you and what you’re feeling, not what you’re feeling about what your partner is feeling. You cannot control what he or she thinks, feels, or does. I know that can be frightening, but when you try to control, you lose control. You destroy the intimacy in the relationship. Push the pause button. Allow your partner to do what he or she wants to do. Be confident. Behave in an empowered way that will make your partner crazy about you, not a way that will drive him or her crazy.
If you need more help recognizing what you’re doing wrong or finding who could be right for you I offer personal coaching. You’ll also find more help in my book: Giving Up Junk-Food Relationships: Recipes for Healthy Choices